Peaches Christ: Mother-Loving Countdown

By Peaches Christ | 'Mommie Queerest' at Oasis May 18th - May 21st

Are you tired of buying the usual dull Mother’s Day gifts? Well, your mom is tired of getting them. She’s had it with flowers and perfume and being taken out to lunch someplace boring where you know you won’t run into any of your tricks. Since your fed-up mom is craving something different, why not give it to her? Take her to a celebration of the most hilariously unhinged mom in movie history: self-made Hollywood icon Joan Crawford, legendarily portrayed by Faye Dunaway in the seminal 1981 cult classic Mommie Dearest.

After many years of celebrating this drag essential at Midnight Mass, Peaches Christ has taken her amazing pre-show and rewritten it as a revamped, elongated, better-than-ever stage adaptation. Aging drag star Peaches must do something to boost her public appeal, and so in a desperate attempt to attract attention, she adopts a brand new drag daughter: Hek-tina (Heklina). Peaches promises to give her daughter all the things she never had, but young Hek-tina quickly learns that her drag mother is a mentally abusive wreck — so she starts secretly planning to take her mother down. Poor Martiny the maid is stuck in the middle. Leave your wire hangers at home for this hilarious horror show about child abuse! Mommie Queerest will be performed nightly at Oasis from May 18-21, with tickets available (but going fast) a www.sfoasis.com. In the meantime, check out Peaches Christ’s handpicked list of the 20 greatest moms in movie history, including her commentary.

20. Kristen Wiig in The Diary of a Teenage Girl
In Marielle Heller’s brilliant evocation of San Francisco in the ‘70s, Kristen Wiig does the impossible: she appears in a movie featuring a cameo from yours truly, and yet somehow isn’t blown off the screen! I jest. As a coke-snorting divorcée whose hunky boyfriend starts an affair with her teen daughter, Kristen perfectly embodies an entire generation of permissive, free-spirited SF parents. They don’t make ‘em like this anymore.

19. Laura Dern in Citizen Ruth
The marvelous Laura Dern gives white trash a good name as Ruth Stoops, a court-condemned “unfit mother.” When Ruth becomes a cause celebre after a judge orders the inhalant-abusing trainwreck to abort a new pregnancy she didn’t know she had, she cunningly pits loony pro-lifers and pro-choicers against each other in a bidding war for the fate of her fetus. Now that’s American ingenuity!

dc918. Kathy Bates in Dolores Claiborne
We all know Kathy Bates is a goddess, but she truly outdid herself as the title character in this Stephen King adaptation, a grizzled Maine housekeeper sitting on some pretty juicy (and bloody) secrets — and apologizing to no one. As she barks at her hateful ingrate daughter (Jennifer Jason Leigh) in what is possibly the quote of the millennium, “Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold onto!” Can I get an amen up in here?

17. Julianne Moore in Boogie Nights
Porn queen Amber Waves lost custody of her own child, so she takes out her drug-addled mothering instincts on the stable of porn stars employed by her director husband. Has there ever been a more heartbreaking scene than when Rollergirl asks Amber if she’s her mom? And as played to perfection by Moore, who could blame her? She does get Dirk Diggler hooked on blow, but no mother is perfect.

16. Uma Thurman in Kill Bill
When Beatrix Kiddo/“The Bride” first embarks on her gloriously gory revenge rampage, one big factor is her belief that she miscarried when she was brutally attacked on her wedding day. But when she finds out her daughter is alive — and being raised by the man who tried to kill her — it gives a whole new gravity to her bitchin’ butchery. Never cross a mama bear, boys.

15. Kirstie Alley in Drop Dead Gorgeous
Pageant moms come in all shapes and sizes of crazy. In the case of Gladys Leeman, she’s patriotic, proudly Midwestern, and willing to kill anyone who stands in the way of her dumb-ass daughter Rebecca (Denise Richards) from being crowned Mount Rose Miss American Teen Princess. Whether she’s sabotaging the competition with falling stage lights or inadvertently dooming her daughter to perish on an exploding swan, Kirstie Alley has never been better. Amer-she-can!

14. Katherine Hepburn in Suddenly, Last Summer
We’re so spoiled nowadays that we think overzealous PFLAG moms are the worst it can get. But it ain’t so, children! Not so long ago, moms didn’t quite realize that having a gay child is a wonderful gift. Take Mrs. Violet Venable, one of Tennessee Williams’ most deranged parental creations, who tried to lobotomize her niece (Elizabeth Taylor, tits firmly at attention) so she’d forget that she watched Violet’s gay son Sebastian literally torn apart and eaten by some rough trade Spanish boys he’d been cruising. And you think it’s bad when Grindr trolls won’t take no for an answer!

13. Mo’Nique in Precious
“Now Peaches,” you might be saying, “this is a serious movie about serious things!” And yes, Precious’ cathartic journey to self-worth is beyond powerful, especially as portrayed by the beautiful Gabourey Sidibe. But that doesn’t mean the butch prison warden realness served by Mo’Nique as her monstrous mother is any less hilarious. The headscarves! The sweats! The masturbating! The only thing missing was a show-stopping rendition of “When You’re Good to Mama (Mama Calls You a Fat Bitch).” Now go get my wig!

12. Anthony Perkins in Psycho
Long before gay icons Margaret Cho and Kathy Griffin slayed fans with homages to their mothers, Norman Bates was totally killing with his mommy impression—literally! As played by gorgeous closet-case Anthony Perkins, Norman Bates always struck me as a frustrated, misunderstood queen who just didn’t know what to do with her genius granny-tranny murderer act. If she were around today, Mother Bates would be a natural at Mother! Maybe she’d kill Heklina?!

11. Catherine O’Hara in Beetlejuice She’s a flake and she’s always been a flake, but I can’t help loving that tacky-ass yuppie nightmare Delia Deetz! This entitled, ghost-gentrifying abomination (played by the comic genius Catherine O’Hara) thinks she can just buy a big old haunted country house and turn it into a paean to her own terrible taste; fortunately there’s a certain freelance bioexorcist who’s got other plans for her. But Delia will NOT stop living and breathing art just because YOU need to relax!

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10. TIE: Divine as any mom! I cannot pick a single favorite performance by Divine as a mother so I have to begin the top 10 with a 4-way tie between Edna in Hairspray, Dawn in Female Trouble, Babs in Pink Flamingos, and Francine in Polyester!

9. Betsy Palmer in Friday the 13th Spoiler alert: Betsy Palmer as Pamela Voorhees in the first Friday the 13th film is the original Jason! This screen mom is responsible for nine on-screen deaths and helping launch the slasher genre phenomenon.

8. Amy Poehler in Mean Girls
Amy Poehler as Mrs. George in Mean Girls isn’t like a regular mom, she’s a cool mom. She’s always ready with a stash of condoms, and if you’re going to drink, she’d rather you do it in the house.

7. Anjelica Huston in The Addams Family
Anjelica Huston as Morticia Addams is gothic motherly perfection and I want to live in her house. She’s a glamorous beauty, mysterious and spooky, all together ooky.

6. Holly Hunter in Raising Arizona
Kidnapping is kinda bad, but Holly Hunter as Ed (short for Edwina) in Raising Arizona is the only mom on this list who kidnapped her baby and somehow still seems like a good mother anyone would be happy to have.

5. Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s Baby
I had to include at least one expectant mother on this list. There’s no better choice than Mia Farrow as the pregnant and paranoid Rosemary Woodhouse, who’s about to pop out her very own little devil.

4. Big Edie Bouvier Beale in Grey Gardens I’ve always loved Big Edie, but am even more deeply connected to her after embodying her as Big Peachy with my onstage drag daughter Little Jinkxy (Jinkx Monsoon). Tea for two, anyone?

images.washingtonpost.com3. Piper Laurie in Carrie
Perhaps the most terrifying of all the moms on this list is Piper Laurie as Margaret White. There’s something so convincingly fanatical underlying the over-the-top camp of her “dirty pillows” dialogue that leaves you praying in a closet that she isn’t real.

2. Kathleen Turner in Serial Mom Besides her murders, Kathleen Turner’s performance as a mass-murdering Martha Stewart is at its finest when she and Mink Stole cuss each other out on the phone. It’s so good I actually want her to call ME a cock-sucking fuckface!

1. Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest
And last but not least, the number one ultimate screen mother with the best/worst reputation has to be Faye’s performance as Joan in Mommie Dearest. Don’t fuck with her, fellas!


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Peaches Christ Productions proudly presents “MOMMIE QUEEREST” at Oasis.  Come out and experience this theatrical musical parody of the horrific celluloid glamour known as Mommie Dearest.  Aging drag star Peaches Christ must do something to boost her public appeal and so in a desperate attempt to attract attention she adopts a brand new drag daughter, Hek-tina.  Peaches promises to give her new drag daughter all the things she never had but young Hek-tina quickly learns that her drag mother is a mentally abusive wreck.  Hek-tina begins to secretly plan to take her mother down.  Poor Martiny the maid is stuck in the middle.  Come out and witness this hilarious horror show about child abuse!  But leave your wire hangers at home…

Tickets available at : SfOasis.com

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