“And the Oscar goes to… La La – “
“And the Falcons are going to win Super Bowl Fifty – “
“Hillary Clinton has a 95% chance of winning the Pres – “
The last few months have been a series of near misses (oh – by the way – hi everyone! It’s been a while. My beef has been a little busy with other trifles, so please forgive my absence). I’m back with you now to address some of the shit that’s been going on in our country since November 8th. Please also forgive me if I don’t make any “Friends” references in this column. I’m hard pressed to remember an episode where Chandler and Monica elected a fascist. Or where Joey has a hilarious hook-up with a fascist. Or an episode where Ross and Rachel were on a break… and one of them became a fascist.
Look, before I go too deep, it’s entirely possible that you – dear reader – voted for 45 (I tried to type his name but my laptop is woke and refuses to do it). And that is your right. You can vote for whoever you want. The point of this article isn’t to publicly shame you for exercising your right to vote. The point of this article is merely to publicly acknowledge what has transpired in our country since 45 took office. (Also you should know that I am still in the ‘anger’ phase of the grief process. I’ll move into the ‘reach out to those who disagree with me’ phase soon. I think.)
Ok wait – first, I have to share one of my favorite tweets from the last few months via Adrian Bott (@Cavalorn): “ I never thought leopards would eat MY face,” sobs a woman who voted for the ‘Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.’ I’m assuming by now you all saw Caitlyn Jenner’s emotional-despite-the-botox plea for 45 to “call her.” Cailtyn. CAITLYN. WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?! Did you REALLY think the man who chose Mike “cause an HIV outbreak mandates funerals for aborted fetuses” Pence as his VP would have ANY actual level of awareness or empathy for LGBT folks?
“But he said he was the most pro-LGBT candidate.”
He’s not. And for the record, it was Hillary who allowed trans citizens to self-identify for themselves on their passports. Their FEDERALLY issued passports. 45 has made our trans youth even more vulnerable.
(Quick sidebar: How the hell did undoing legislation to protect trans kids even make it on the list of things to do in his first 100 days?! Where is his ‘secret plan to defeat ISIS in 30 days’ that he designed because he knows more than the Generals? I would argue that ISIS is a bigger threat to our country than a trans kid peeing where he or she needs to. AND 24 hours after claiming the transgender/bathroom issue should be left up to the states, the 45 administration said it will be “taking action” against states where marijuana is legal. So… this begs the question, is his administration pro states’ rights or not? Or are they, as I have suspected all along, bigoted twatwaffles?)
“Ok – but there are other reasons I voted for him.”
Ok, great. Please elucidate me.
“Well her emails…”
The new head of the EPA has admitted to using a personal server. Not to mention the fact that 45 tweets from an unsecured cell phone.
“He said no one is less anti-Semitic than him.”
He’s a liar. His chief strategist is proclaimed anti-Semite who said publicly he wanted to bring down the government. Anti-Semitic hate crimes are on the rise in a – to borrow a word – tremendous – way. And 45 remains silent.
“He said no one is less racist than him.”
He has discriminated against African-Americans in housing, and he has repeatedly said disparaging things about Mexicans, Muslims, and immigrants. And I won’t even mention the “Pocahontas” fiasco. Or the Muslim ban. Which isn’t a ban. Then was a ban. Then wasn’t a ban. And now is a ban again. A patently unconstitutional ban.
“I really like Melania.”
Melania? The immigrant married to 45, whose platform is to stop cyber-bullying? The woman married to a man who brags about sexual assault and uses social media to call women “fat pigs?” Yeah, Melania sounds lovely and certainly married him for love and couldn’t possibly have married him for any other reason.
“Well, he drained the swamp.”
You have absolutely no idea who his cabinet is comprised of.
“But her emails…”
I’m not doing this again.
“3 to 5 million people voted illegally, so…”
Ok, first of all please finish that sentence. Second, there is zero proof of this. And even if there were, 45 undercuts this insane claim by reminding everyone that he won the electoral college. And he has railed against people being registered in more than one state, conveniently forgetting to mention the fact that his daughter, Steve Bannon, and Steve Mnuchin are registered in 2 states, and Gregg Phillips – 45’s “voter fraud expert” is registered in 3 states.
“Ok fine! I was voting with my wallet. He said he was going to lower taxes. There. Happy?”
No, and you’re a short-sighted assclown with zero regard for social justice. 45 has already cost the taxpayers more money in his first 30 days than Obama did in his entire first year. So how’s that fiscal responsibility going? Oh – he also wants an additional 54 billion dollars to beef up the military. So that’s going well. Not to mention the fact that this ‘wall’ has now morphed into a fence. That will cost upwards of 20 billion dollars. That Mexico will not pay for. But I’m assuming you hate Mexicans anyway… because you voted for 45.
“He’s cracking down on fake news.”
I hate you and your carefully cultivated air of ignorance. 45 has called the media “the enemy of the people;” he has referred to reporters as being un-American. Here’s the thing… ISIS is an enemy of the people. Katherine Heigl is an enemy of the people. Sugar free gummy bears are an enemy of the people. But the press? The press is essential. And yes, I am including Breitbart in that… you can’t be a proponent of free press without including all press. Which is something Sean Spicer failed to grasp when he banned certain ‘lamestream media’ groups from a briefing. But you probably like Breitbart. And Sean Spicer. I hope all of your anal sex results in elongated poopnoodles.
“Wow you seem really angry.”
I was angry when my Atlanta Falcons realized they were going to lose (though to be fair, I was also very angry my husband Julian Edelman looked sad when he thought the Pats were gonna lose). I was angry when I realized I was the only one who had an issue with the lack of diction in “La La Land” (How the hell can you be a groundbreaking movie musical when no one enunciates?! Where was Renee Elise Goldsberry when you needed her).
But I was happy when the Patriots won – mostly due to my husband Julian Edelman- whose last name I’m considering taking just to piss off President Bannon. I was happy when “Moonlight” won. But those victories impacted my life in zero point zero way (ok, sure, maybe there’s a ceruleanesque “The Devil Wears Prada” speech that could make those two things do impact my life). BUT. 45 winning the presidency certainly does impact my life. And to remain silent about the atrocities he is committing, both directly and indirectly, THAT, my friends (if I have any of you left after this article) would be un-American.
Be better. Be more informed. And try to remember that just because someone does something they say they’re going to do – that doesn’t automatically make them a person of integrity. Their intentions matter.
(Author’s note: I am lucky that LEFT gives me the space to write and be quippy and try to affect the world in some sort of positive way. If YOU want to do something, please check out www.5calls.org)
Dan has a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Master’s degree in Higher Education. He worked as an Assistant Dean at Emory University for 5 years before moving to Los Angeles in 2008 to pursue his lifelong dream of writing television. Since then, Dan has written for Make It Or Break It (ABC Family), Pop-Up Video (VH1), and currently writes for ABC Family’s hit show The Fosters, and he says he’s going to f?inish writing hfis ?irst movie any day now. You can f?ind more at beef?inthetr?ile.blogspot.com, and you can reach him on Twitter and Instagram at @beef?inthetri?le.